Something or Nothing?

Written February 19th
I absolutely adore movies and my father is a huge movie buff as well. He never vacations and is always working, but in the little free time he allots himself, he sees just about any movie. Sometimes it’s hard for me to keep up. Early last week, he called me to discuss Tyler Perry’s Daddy’s Little Girls, but I had not yet seen it. I was aware of the plot: A man trying to gain custody of his 3 young daughters is working as a driver and finds himself driving a successful attorney. Some how, some way love blossoms and the two must deal with scrutiny from her friends and, of course, her own self-consciousness. My dad was concerned. Does class discrimination exist in dating in the black community (or any community for that matter)? I pondered his inquiry and with cautiousness and replied, “Dad, I think, for women, it is important to consider whether or not someone can take care of you.” He wasn’t buying it and basically decided it’s a shame that we behave that way. Hmmm, I thought. I take my father’s thoughts very seriously. His words always move me to think, act, or reconsider a position. At this time I still hadn’t seen the movie.

Daddy’s Little Girls, starring Idris Elba (Stringer Bell from the Wire) and Gabrielle Union in the lead roles, Monty and Julia. The fabulous Tracee Ellis Ross played a supporting role as one of Julia’s scrutinizing friends (the other was Terri J. Vaughn). Julia, the uptight lawyer, is more than hesitant to date Monty…her driver…with 3 kids… a ghetto, crack-selling baby mama…and some serious prior legal trouble. Are Julia’s apprehensions reasonable? In the film, every situation is exaggerated. Julia is insanely uptight and judgmental and Monty’s circumstances are abruptly and dramatically thrown in her face. Obviously, their incomes were significantly different too. These are the things that any woman considers when choosing a partner, and even more likely for Julia, these are the observations she assesses instantly. Some people, like my father, find this thought process unfair. I thought very seriously about it all week intending to justify my position to my father.

I got a lecture from a male friend about the fact that black women, women period, will forever be unhappy because we won’t date the poor man. We fought all night because I refused to accept that factoring in a prospective mate’s present career and/or financial security in the selection process is negative. Well, he was very passionate about this. “I know there are [women] I have on layaway.” Meaning: There are women that, if his financial situation was different or when it is different, he knows these women will want him. He obviously feels this is ridiculously unfair, but accepts it as fact, assisting his conclusion that women worry about the wrong things when choosing a partner.

My opinion is, as I stated to my father, women typically want a man who can provide for and/or assist her in the lifestyle of her choosing. I am willing to bet that men think similarly. It is about more than money, too. We want to know that our partner isn’t uncomfortably placed in our social circles, professional activities, and interests. (I hope this makes sense in my attempt to be both diplomatic and precise in my assessment.) Additionally, any person that has an abundance of wealth probably doesn’t care what their partner’s financial or social status is – more than likely they 1) aren’t worried about being the financial stability of a significant other and/or 2) have no need to impress any professional superiors. Now, know that I believe in LOVE above all. I don’t care how much money you have (yeah, I said it). That is my personal belief, BUT first impressions are the world and while my father did make me feel a little bad for the prejudgment, it is no more superficial than judging someone based on their looks. As easily as we hope the ugly dude doesn’t come over and holla, I will avoid the Greyhound employee loading my bags on the bus (let’s not talk about the fact that I ride the bus). Unfortunately, we may not get to know a great guy, but just like your friends say when you have a bad break up – “there are lot’s of men out there.”

However, like I said, my dad’s opinion matters to me a lot. He is seldom wrong (in my eyes), so I did a little research. The most significant of which was Nanette* (clearly a fake name) who dated and is currently engaged to the security guard at her job, a man who held his security post while in law school and has since graduated. So, naturally, I asked her what she thought of him before she found out he was a law student. He was cute and that was the extent of it. CASE AND POINT – she would not have got into a relationship with this man had he not been pursuing higher education.

Many other women also confided in me that they shied away from the garbage man, the waiter, or the cabbie for the same reason I had expressed to my dad - security. But is this a female phenomenon? I analyzed many male responses to the quandary. I asked my coworker Lewis* if he would date the fine-ass cashier at McDonald’s. He said no and we established that we don’t mind paying for dinner every once in a while, but breakfast, lunch, and dinner on me when he or she is contributing only a McDonald’s employee discount is not whatsup.

I was frustrated by my research, because, to a certain extent, I wanted to see the injustice in my belief and show my dad I was behind his criticism. That just wasn’t the truth. My vetting process in the dating pool was nothing but natural and MOST PEOPLE with which I consulted agreed. It’s not that we can’t fall for the “poor” guy, but we have to consider compatibility and potential along with physical attraction and we have to do so as early as possible. If, somehow, you make it past the process of elimination, and your charm permeates my heart, that’s a whole ‘nother’ conversation. DADDY’S LITTLE GIRLS SPOILER: Of course, the succesful lawyer and her driver with the three kids made it work and it was all beautiful in the end...but what you didn't see was what happened the next day. Did the relationship work? Was Julia able to survive the instant family a man with 3 kids brings? Was Monty ok with Julia making tons more money than he did? Who knows the answer to these questions. I only set out to discover if there was something wrong with women screening potential dates based on their job or career and I found that it was as shameless as the first look.